I think I hurt some feelings with this post so I want to elaborate a little on what I was trying to say.

BUT, if you’re working and think you can’t afford to stay home but you would like to, then this post is for you.

I used to watch this tv show called Starting Over that certainly had it’s cheesy moments but I did learn something valuable that I still use today. One of the life coaches had a term she used “awfulizing”- when there’s a big decision to be made and we’re paralyzed by indecision because of fear of the unknown- you know- what might happen, etc. she would say to “awfulize” the situation. Go through all the worse case scenarios that could happen and come up with a plan for how you would handle it if it did actually arise. I do this often now, when I’m afraid of making a decision about something big- I awfulize it- play out in my mind all the scenarios that could happen and how I would handle them. And somehow, it makes it easer to decide once I’ve done that.

SO- If you’re afraid to stay home because you think you may not be able to afford it, think about this-

There are essentially four scenarios that could happen (that I can think of)

#1. You could continue working and realize that you love it and don’t want to be home with your children.

#2. You could decide to stay at home and realize that you really do love it and that somehow the money works itself out and everything is just fine.

#3. You could give up all kinds of things- your job, 2nd car, internet, cell phone, cable, etc. to stay at home and end up hating it.

#4. You could continue working and wish you could stay at home.

Now, scenarios #1 and #2 are obviously ideal so not worth talking about. Let’s awfulize #3 and #4.

#3. You could give up all kinds of things- your job, 2nd car, internet, cell phone, cable, etc. to stay at home and end up hating it.

Quit your job to stay at home- you could get another job if you decided you didn’t like being at home or couldn’t find a way to work out the money.

Give up your cell phone and get a track phone or have no phone- you could get another cell phone if you went back to work.

Sell your second car or trade down so that you don’t have a car payment- if you went back to work you could get a car again or trade up again for a nicer car.

Internet, cable tv, tivo- you could get all that back with a phone call and it would be reconnected in no time.

#4. You could continue working and wish you could stay at home.

See, here’s the problem. When you awfulize #3- you can get back everything you gave up if you want to. If you quit your job to stay at home even though you can’t really afford to do so- if you cancel cable, internet, cellphones, sell the car, live off Ramen Noodles- whatever- you can get it all back if you decide in hindsight that you’ve made a mistake.

But, if you take scenario #4, and you look back down the road and say you know- in hindsight, I should have made the leap to stay home, regardless of finances. You can’t get that time back. Your baby is gone. The time is gone and you can never get it back. There’s no do-overs.

I just peeked in the living room and do you know what I saw? my baby- my long, long awaited for baby who was just born yesterday??? She’s 4 1/2 on her way to being 5 years old. How did that happen?

I’m so glad not to have missed it- I want to be here when she skins her knees or has questions about God or says all the funny things that little kids do. I don’t want to miss those things because she’s at day care and I’m at work.

Please, hear my heart here- I am not coming from a place of condemnation- I really want to encourage those of you who want to stay home with your babies/children and think you can’t afford it- TRY IT! You’ll be surprised at all the ways you’ll save money by being at home and all the things that you really won’t miss much if you give them up.

Below are some some links about finances, staying home, frugal living:
The Benefits of Money Management
Mommy Savers
Mommy Savers Forum
Dollar Stretcher
Mom Advice
Frugal Village Forum
Hot Coupon World
Frugal Hacks A huge list of blogs that focus on frugal living
Frugal Homemaker
Money Saving Mom
Living On A Dime

NOTE: Now, I got a call after the last post on this topic from a friend who thought I was talking to her. Lest anyone think this post is directed at YOU, know that I know lots of working moms and I’m not speaking to anyone in particular. I wrote this post and the previous one because I hear working moms tell me all the time that they wish they could stay home but feel that they can’t afford it. And I really want to help them see that, with rare exception, you CAN afford it if you are willing to live on less. And ladies?? trust me- it’s so worth it. If given the choice between the higher standard of living I had when we both worked and going without to stay home with the children??? It’s no contest which is more rewarding. I’m so glad that I took a chance and quit even though we “couldn’t afford it”. Love to you all. kj

My Thoughts on “Where Do Feminists Come Up With This Stuff?”

I’ve been sitting on the previous post for a month or more, trying to decide whether or not to post it, knowing that it was sure to offend at least one or two people I know IRL.   But then, I thought- #1- it’s my blog and #2- I’ve certainly read things on others blogs that offended me and I didn’t stop reading or work myself into a huff over their opinions.  So, I decided to go ahead and post it.

I’ve been thinking about why that blog post in particular struck such a chord with me.  I think it’s because of a recurring phrase I hear from working women and if I’ve heard one woman say it to me then I’ve heard 30 women say it-

Or some variation thereof.  Always the same theme- I’d love to stay home but we don’t make enough money.     You don’t really understand our financial situation because your husband must make more than mine does.

Before I even get started on that, I am SURE that this is true of some women.  If this is true for you then there’s no need to get worked up into a huff about what I’m about to say.

Here’s what I’ve seen or heard lately:

I can’t afford to stay home. Driving a new car, taking frequent weekend vacations.

I can’t afford to stay home. Thinking about selling their home and trading up for a bigger house, bigger yard.

I can’t afford to stay home. Lives about a 30 minute drive from town.  Drives in to town at least once a day, often two or three times a day because she “forgot” something, “needs” xyz today, etc.

I can’t afford to stay home. Spends a crazy amount of money in each week on groceries but won’t plan a menu or do once-a-week grocery shopping (both of which would probably save her several hundred dolllars a month) because it’s “not her style”.

I can’t afford to stay home. Her husband is a teacher.  They have two cars, internet, TIVO, cell phones, etc.  (they have one child)  All nice things but not  necessities.   I have another friend who’s husband is also a  teacher and she stays home with their four children.  It’s very tight, they go without lots of extras, but they make it work.   Her husband probably makes $2300 a month after taxes (guessing here, based on what I know about Guilford County Teacher pay) and they find a way for her to stay home with FOUR children.   Pretty impressive.

I guess it BUGS me to hear women say these things to me as if I’m living some sort of privileged life.  I go without LOTS of things so we can afford for me to be at home.   Here’s just a few of the things I often go without so I can stay home- I’ve included what I know about a couple of IRL friends who stay home as well:

I drive a 2001 van.  It’s seven years old.  I plan to drive it a looong time unless something happens.   Would I like a new car?  Sure, it’d be nice.   But you know what’s nicer- no car payment so I can afford to stay home.

My IRL friend has one car for their family which her husband drives to work most days.  If she needs the car that day she has to get up early, load all three kids in the car and drive him to work.  Most days she is without a car.   But she gets to stay home.

We rarely eat out other than Tuesday night pizza at Mario’s.

We do have cable but it’s only basic cable.  No extended cable, tivo, etc.   If we needed to, I’d get rid of cable and switch to a cheap Trac Fone  if it would ease the budget.  cIt might seem like a small thing but cutting out cable, expensive cell phone plans, etc. will really add up.

One of the things I miss about working days is an unlimited grocery budget.  I went to the store whenever I wanted to and bought whatever I wanted.   Menu planning and shopping once-a-week really has saved us thousands of dollars.   When I first started menu planning 4-5 years ago, we were spending $900-$1100 a month on groceries.  Within a few months of doing menus I had it down to $400 a month.   Even now, with grocery prices sky rocketing, we spend $700 a month- that includes diapers, formula, dog and cat food, all paper products and drug store items, OTC meds and food.   Plus, I’m feeding a family of 5 instead of 2 or 3.

I consolidate errands and only go into town twice a week.  Tuesday nights for pizza and usually one other day.  With gas prices going through the roof, there have been months where I only had enough cash set aside for 2 tanks of gas.  For a month.   This means I need to stay home most of the time.

I lived in our previous home for seven years before moving to our new home.  This was the house that my husband and his first wife lived in.   It never really felt like “my” home.  Kip had lived there for 20 years.  It was the house he picked out.    But I stayed because staying there meant we could put our money towards paying down debts and later, it meant I could stay home.

I have a very limited amount of spending money each week.   I rarely have new clothes.  We don’t take hardly any vacations or weekend get-aways.  I drive a very used car.  I stay home, literally, instead of going out as much as I’d like to.   I scrimp on our grocery money.  If I had to, I’d cancel cable, cancel my cell phone, sell my car, whatever it took to stay home.  The thing is- if you look at our finances on paper- we can’t afford for me to stay home. But we make it work because it is a priority above ALL other things- above vacations, cars, new clothes, spending money, restaurants.

I used to be a preschool teacher at Primrose.  I’ll never forget this one woman- the mother of one of the children in my class.  You know what she said to me?  “I know that it would probably be best for T. if I stayed home but we’ve just gotten used to a certain standard of living and I don’t want to go without.”. Wow.   11 years later I can still remember her saying that.

If you’re working because you WANT to work and  you love it and can’t imagine not working and it’s what you and your husband have decided it’s what works for YOUR family than that’s great.  More power to you.  I know some women who outright say so and for that I have a certain admiration.

But if you’re working and telling me you want to stay at home and can’t afford it- well, in most cases, I’m just annoyed.    Because you know what?  We can’t afford it either.

This will be sure to offend someone and for that I apologize.  I’ll be posting my thoughts on this post later on or tomorrow.

A guest post by the lovely Terry from Ornaments of Grace.  Terry always has something interesting to say- I love reading her blog even when I don’t agree but especially when I do!

Where Do Feminists Come Up With This Stuff?

Sometimes when I read the radical feminist perspective on the choice that many women make to leave the rat race, come home, and fully embrace being a wife and mother, I think, “Who are they studying, and how come I’ve never met any of these women?” The assumption that women stay home only because they have husbands who can afford to support them in style is the prevailing line of thought among this crowd. There is this misconception that women who stay home are married to men in high powered careers making six-figures and that this in itself puts women at risk because what man, having been in a prestigious, well paying, intelligent environment all day wants to come home to a woman who hasn’t even had a conversation with anyone over the age of six? In the minds of these women, there’s really no question of IF these marriages will collapse, only a matter of when. And when they do, the poor naïve wife who has given up everything to make a home for this man and his progeny will find herself poor, struggling, and alone.

When I ran across this little financial piece recently, it became clear to me that people who write these kinds of cost analyses have no idea how much a family gains when mom stays at home. They really don’t realize that for many, the decision is often made before they can even see how they’re going to manage the finances. Staying home and raising your own kids is about so much more than dollars and cents. It’s a matter of the heart and realizing that if we are to fulfill God’s plan to raise our children well, someone has to be available to do it. It requires sacrifice! When I came home 12 and a half years ago, my husband worked hard to provide. And while I will admit that he was pretty well employed for someone his age (he was 23), we were hardly living the high life! I’ve met women whose husbands worked long hours on blue collar jobs in order to support their families while their wives stay at home. I’ve run across missionary families doing the same thing. Not every stay at home mom is married to a high-powered executive. That may be what Linda Hirshman found when she did her notorious study, but it’s not every one’s reality. It’s not even most people’s reality. I believe she called these women “elite women”. I can think of many adjectives to describe myself: forgiven, opinionated, realistic, but elite? No! It costs us plenty for me to stay home and I’m sure that’s true for many of you as well.

Our lifestyle is far from elitist. I cut coupons, limit and plan my outings to maximize gas mileage, and make my menu each week based on which supermarkets are offering the best deals. I do my own hair, paint my own nails, and rarely make impromptu trips to Target (my favorite store!). I cook dinner every night. We eat out about once every three months, sometimes less. When there’s a book I’m interested in reading, my first stop is to the library, not the bookstore.

As our family has grown, we’ve had to make more sacrifices and examine our choices more closely, but in the process we have grown to realize how unnecessary most of the stuff we think is necessary really is. We have grown to appreciate the simple things a lot more. No burger tastes as good as the one cooked on our own grill, for a fraction of the cost. Walking around the neighborhood at dusk is far more relaxing than dodging the crowds while walking through a local mall as part of the materialistic rat race.

Now obviously I’m not totally deprived as I’m writing this on my personal laptop and will upload the post on Blogger via high speed internet access, which can hardly be considered a necessity. I’m simply saying that in our day to day living, we examine every purchase and make every effort to be good stewards. Life is far from glamorous in the Ornaments of Grace house, believe me. So when I hear or read these feminists saying that being a stay at home mom is a luxury for only the privileged few, I laugh. I accept that there are many people for whom this choice is not a realistic one to consider, but I also believe that if we are willing to downsize our lifestyles, re-examine what we consider necessities and make tough choices, the privileged few can become a substantial number of families.

The sad part of this whole debate is that we have raised a generation of women who believe that it is unwise at best and stupid at worst for a woman to decide to make such a major life choice for the sake of serving someone else. Since when did selflessness cease to be a virtue and become a naïve choice worthy of pity for those who choose it? Thankfully, as the lies of modern feminism are being revealed as the deception that they are, the tide seems to be turning. I hope it continues to do so. We still have a lot of work to do to rescue the next generation from the selfish and fruitless choices of the last one.