Three Little Jewells

More on Sleep Training & “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”

This is not my post, but I agree with much of it.  EXCELLENT sleep advice for babies!  Here is the direct link to the blog it came from:  Hope Chest of Wisdom

(since I am also writing this blog largely for myself and for my children to read later in life, I wanted to make sure these excellent notes were included in my section of Sleep Training)

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Sweet Sleep

When I had my first baby I had a romanticized vision of a sweet little cradle in our bedroom, beside my bed, with a precious sleeping baby in it and waking each morning after a restful nights sleep to find my little bundle looking up at me with a smile and wide eyes, well rested as well, and the birds would be chirping a pretty song out my window……

Said baby was born, sweet little cradle was strategically placed in our bedroom, and that’s about all that became a reality from my hopes of a sleeping babe. Not only did the baby not sleep soundly (this baby made lots of noises in his sleep), I was not rested when I awoke in the morning (since I had awoken many times in the night to soothe a crying baby), and loud obnoxious crows and a barking dog greeted the morning out my window instead of singing robins like in Mary Poppins. Where did I go wrong? I had it all figured out and then reality sank in. This was going to be harder than I realized.

I solved some of the problems by moving my baby into his own room at only 3 weeks. My friends that were new moms at the time as well thought I was cruel but my husband and I were desperate for some shut eye. I stumbled my way through each day like a drugged zombie longing for some good deep sleep. The baby woke several times a night to be nursed. He was a good baby, always going right back to sleep after nursing but somehow the months rolled by without any improvement in sleep. I rocked him to sleep otherwise he’d cry when I put him down for bed or a nap. I knew something had to change but I didn’t know how. I wondered how I would keep this up when we had more children. While I loved rocking my baby to sleep, I knew I had to teach this little one how to sleep on his own otherwise I’d be sorry in a few years…and well, still a zombie.

My friends were recommending books that seemed too cruel to implement…parent directed feedings, no contact bedtimes, no rocking, no snuggling, no soothing a crying a baby, strict and ridged feeding times that left no room for growth spurts, teething, or bonding while nursing. I couldn’t embrace those methods and yet I was struggling to find a way to get my baby to sleep.

I found hope and at 9 months old my baby slept through the night for the first time.

I began reading Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child written by an actual expert (a pediatric sleep doctor from some children’s sleep hospital in Boston). It was scientifically based on studies. These studies proved that parent-directed-feedings had no effect on sleep habits (proven by infants studied in the NICU who were fed through IVs continually). I was willing to listen to an expert.

What I learned:

-I could have the best of both worlds….a baby who went to sleep on his own like a pro and get in all my rocking and snuggling! =0)

-Babies have to learn how to sleep. It’s a skill just like riding a bike. They learn how to go to sleep but they also have to learn how to soothe themselves back to sleep when they wake up in the middle of the night. Like feeding himself, going potty, and riding a bike, I wanted him to be independant. I knew of parents who’s 5 year olds were still dependent on them for sleep (ie, sleeping with them, or the parents holding their hand till they fell asleep, etc.)

-Snuggling, rocking, comforting, holding, and the like are NOT taboo. They have their place but they are actually very healthy. More about that in a minute.

-Bedtime routines help babies and children prepare for sleep. Babies and children need to unwind. This is where rocking, snuggling, etc comes in. Having a routine that is the same every evening (or at least similar) signals to your baby that it’s time for sleep. Same for children….having a bedtime routine helps prepare them mentally, emotionally, and physically for bed. More on bedtime routines in a minute.

-Babies and children need more sleep than you think. America is a sleep deprived nation.

-ADD and ADHD are often misdiagnosed sleep deprivation.

-Sleep begets sleep. That means that overly tired babies and children have a more difficult time getting REM sleep (deep sleep) for extended hours. The flip side is that well rested babies and children will end up sleeping longer and deeper the more sleep that they get.

-Healthy sleep habits are key to a happy baby and child during awake times.

-Growing children, even elementary and teens, often need naps.

So, the good news is, I finally learned how to train my infant to go to sleep and stay asleep. The book tells you how much each age child needs (how many hours in a 24 hour period). That was really helpful since my first born took really long great naps….it helped me gauge how much sleep he needed in a full 24 hours. The book also takes you through each age group explaining their sleep needs and possible routines (not schedules- there is a difference) that may work well for each age. Routines have flexibility, schedules do not. Routines can be baby dictated, schedules are parent dictated.

The hardest part is undoing bad sleep habits. Had I only started out training my infant from the beginning, the “untraining” of bad habits wouldn’t have been so tough to endure. Yes, it requires allowing your baby to cry himself to sleep in order to learn how to sleep. I didn’t follow the book perfectly which is why I liked this book. It’s not rigid. Any book that says there is only ONE way to do things and one way to raise your children are not realistic. Children are not robots. They are all different and you have to figure out each child and what works with them. I guess that’s one of the hard things about being a mom…figuring out each child, their personalities, their make up of who they are….

After I had my first baby, baby number two was born. She was a completely different baby in every way. She took short naps and slept long through the night. I was able to implement what I had learned right from the beginning with her and wow, it paid off. She even went down for bed without crying…she loved sleep and even if she did cry at nap time it was only for about 2 min. I timed it and I’m not kidding.

So, here are the basics of what worked for us:

-breastfeeding on demand

for one baby that was every 4 hours for the other baby it was around every 2 hours. For the first baby it meant waking in the night to nurse until he was 9 months old and for the second baby that meant waking in the night to nurse until she was just under 3 months old but by 8 weeks she often slept through the night without waking to nurse (she slept from 7pm-7am by the time she was 3 months old till she was about 7 years old).

-sleep time routine

this always included rocking with their blanky
(but not rocking to the point that they fell asleep because then they’d always expect to be rocked to sleep. I laid them down in bed just when they were getting relaxed and sleepy.)

this sometimes included reading them a book, singing to them, a warm bath, baby massage, etc.
All of these things signaled to them that it was almost sleep time and it was time to relax. Once they were relaxed from these things I would lay them down in their bed.

-make a comfy place to sleep

a room painted in soft colors decorated with other soft colors

clean sheets and blankets (always provide your infant and children with a clean place to sleep-wash bedding weekly)

soft sheets and blankets (provide the best you can and make it snuggly)

proper cozy jammies (not too cold not too hot)

-sleep blanket, sleep animal, sleep binky

we let our kids have a binky and by the second child I figured out that it was best to make the binky only for sleeping. This prevented binky attachment later.

I always put the same blanket and stuffed animal in their crib so that they got attached to them. That way when I rocked them with those two items they knew it was sleep time. It also was a comfort to them when we were sleeping away from home.

-same sleep place

while training a baby to sleep we found it key to keep the place that they slept always the same. Their own quiet room in their own comfy crib instead of naps in a pack-n-play here or there or sleeping one night in the parent’s bed, the next night in a pack-n-play, the next night on mom in the recliner, etc. Create a sleep place so that your baby knows where they sleep and gets comfortable with the familiarity of sleeping there.

-while the book suggest letting your baby cry till they fall asleep, I wasn’t comfortable allowing it to go longer than 30 minutes. If we reached 30 minutes of crying when I was re-training our first born to sleep, then I would do as the book suggested… go in and check on him but not say a word. If he was okay, then I’d lay him back down and leave the room. He finally figured out that I wasn’t going to get him back up or rock him to sleep. He eventually learned to just go to sleep.

My two babies are 11 and 9 years old now and they are both great sleepers. Our bedtime routine now consist of brushing teeth, saying bedtime prayers together, hugs, kisses, reading books in bed, and then we always say “spit spot” to each other (from Mary Poppins- just a silly tradition we started. I guess for us it kind of means “now get to sleep and I’ll see you in the morning”)

I’ve never had trouble with my kids getting out of bed. I’ve had other people say to me “well, you just got lucky with easy kids.” HA, I don’t think so! In fact I don’t think there is such a thing as “easy kids”. People just want to believe that since they haven’t taken the pains to train their own children that you must have just gotten lucky with easy kids. I’ll tell you the reason I haven’t had trouble with the “I need another drink, I need to go potty again, I need to tell you something” routine that most kids pull….it’s because I trained my children to sleep from the beginning. It’s never crossed their minds to get back out of bed. They love sleep and they know it’s good for them. When they moved from a crib to a bed there were no issues with getting out of bed.

The best part is that I have happy, rested children. They have the gift of good sleep, good health, good focus through the day with plenty of energy. They love their snugly beds and truly appreciate their bedtime…. the gift to us as parents is kids who go right to bed with ease so that we have the evening alone to unwind from our day and connect as a couple. It’s also a blessing to us when we have company and our kids go down without a peep and we can continue to enjoy our company.

Do your baby a favor and teach them how to sleep. They will benefit from it for the rest of their lives. It will create a healthy and peaceful home to grow up in…where mother is rested, mother has breaks during the day during naps to refresh herself, and the whole family has sweet sleep through the nights. Balance that with lots of snuggle time and rocking when your babies and children are awake.

I know not everyone will embrace the same sleep methods and that’s okay. Do what works for your family. We all parent in ways that are important to us. For me, I’ve wanted to give my kids the gift of good sleep habits. I didn’t want them to be dependent on me for sleep. I felt it gave them a healthier lifestyle and gave my husband and I the freedom to have a more balanced marriage and family life which in turn blesses my children back.

It’s official…

Sunday, 6/6/2010-

I think I can safely say… Lyra is sleeping through the night! She’s ten weeks old.   For the past week we’ve been putting the big kids to bed sometime around 8:00pm.  Then Kip & I have about an hour with just Lyra, which we both enjoy.  Then at 9:00pm we do her last feeding for the night and she sleeps until the morning, usually getting up sometime between 5:00-6:30am.   The last few mornings she’s woken up at 6:45am and 6:15am.

We were able to train her to sleep without resorting to CIO (cry-it-out), although I am not against this method and have used it before when necessary.    I really think the key to our success is that we begin “sleep training”  from the minute we bring a baby home.   We don’t wait until they’ve settled into a firm routine of always being nursed to sleep, always being rocked to sleep (or whatever) and then try to break them of it at 6 or 7 or 8 months old.

HERE is another POST that I wrote on how we “train” our babies to sleep.

ETA: An example of how I am “slow to respond”- about 20 minutes ago I heard Lyra fussing on the monitor.   I waited a few minutes to see if she would stop but instead it escalated to crying.   I decided to head up to check on her but before I did so I refilled my cup with water, went to the bathroom and switched a load of laundry into the dryer.   As I was about to head upstairs she stopped crying and drifted back to sleep.   So I was on my way to check but I certainly do not jump up & run at the first squeak.  I’ve looked in on her and she’s sleeping soundly now.

Training Babies to Sleep

Someone recently emailed me asking for advice on sleep training- her neighbor was struggling with  her 7 week old and wanted advice from someone who has sleep trained successfully.   Below is a copy of the email I sent her.

I feel like maybe the below is a little disjointed- if I haven’t explained anything clearly, or she/you have more questions, feel free to ask.

A couple things:

#1:  Does she have or has she read “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”?  I regard it as an essential read for babies and credit it for all three of our kids sleeping through the night from around 3 months on (about 11 hours a night).

#2: In the book he does talk specifically about babies who wake up after 45 minutes.   I would allow the baby to cry for a while to see if he settles back down.  As long as the baby is not screaming itself into throwing up, I would let him cry a while.  Of course, keep a close eye on him via monitor.   If, after 20 or 30 minutes, he is still hysterical, I would get him up and start over again.  Change him, feed him, play for a few minutes and then try putting him back down.  Gradually extend the amount of time she allows him to cry a la Ferber.

#3: To me, this baby sounds overtired.   Dr. Weissbluth even says “some chronically tired children are always keyed up and never unwind”.

I would not expect a 7 week old to be on a hard-and-fast schedule but by that point we are starting to move toward a 2 hour schedule.   This is what our 7 week old schedule looks like, approximately.  This will give her an idea if her baby is getting enough sleep.

6am: wake up (we wake baby if not allready awake) and nurse.   Will “top the baby off” around 7:30, a little prior to the next nap.
8am-10am Nap 1
10am-12pm awake, change diaper, FEED right away (as close to 10am as possible), play.  “top the baby off with a bottle/nurse at 11:30ish, change diaper again and then around noon lay baby down awake.
12pm-2pm Nap 2
2pm-4pm repeat same process as you did earlier at 10am-12pm
4pm-5pm Nap 3
5pm-7pm  repeat as above.

Nurse again before going to bed, as close to 11pm as possible.  Do a “dream feed”.  Low lights, no eye contact, no talking, cooing, etc.  As little interaction as possible.  Just get baby up, change diaper, quietly feed and back to bed.

Then there should only be one other night feed, maybe around 3ish.

So, you can see that our babies are getting around 16 hours of sleep a day, on average about 10 nursings/bottles a day.

Another note:  I would also say, I wouldn’t rely JUST on sleep cues to decide when to put him to sleep.  I think you need to take those into account along with the schedule.  They should work hand-in-hand.  So, if baby wakes up at 9:45, If at all possible I’d leave him in his crib until 10ish.  Also, if she gets to noon and it seems as though baby is not showing any signs of sleepiness and still seems quite awake and alert, I’d still put him down in his crib for his second nap.   Clearly, if he seemed tired early, say at 11:30, I’d go ahead and put him down.

Sleep Training Hints:
As often as you can, put baby down to sleep while he is awake.

I’m not saying never rock your baby to sleep.  What I would say is avoid doing anything consistently. You don’t want your baby to grow to rely on nursing, rocking, etc. to fall asleep.  You want him to learn to do it himself.  So, by all means, do those things all you want throughout his awake times.  You can occasionally nurse/rock to sleep but just don’t do it consistently.  (This is also why we avoid the whole bedtime story/bath routine.  Our kids have never grown to rely on that.  We just say “hey, it’s time for bed.  Pj’s and brush teeth and hop in the bed.”  That’s it.  Obviously we do those things but not a consistent-every-single-night thing.)

When baby wakes up, do NOT rush in to get him. Let him lay in his crib, quietly awake for as long as he wants- really, until he starts crying.  Even then, I do not rush in the second I hear a cry.  I’ll move slowly- finish whatever task I am doing.  If she is nursing, maybe get all set up to nurse prior to getting him (fix her water, bring the phone and the pillow to the chair, etc.)

I hold my babies a fair bit but I do make a purposeful, intentional effort to give them time when they are awake, alert, full and clean to be on the floor/playpen/bouncy seat.   I don’t want the baby to get used to having to be held all the time/entertained.

Does she have a GOOD swaddle blanket?  We found the Miracle Blanket to be really helpful. (it’s on Amazon)

JUNK SLEEP: One of the best things I got from Weissbluth, was to avoid “junk” sleep.  We follow this pretty closely.   “Junk sleep” would be any sleep in a stroller, car seat, etc.  I would no more give my 2 month old a bottle of juice then I would purposefully give them junk sleep.  There are times it can’t be helped but I avoid it as much as possible. I schedule my day around “protecting” their nap- I want them to get “good”, “healthy” sleep in their own bed, in their own home.

She asked: “when i see he looks sleepy, i swaddle him and put him in his bed and then the crying begins.  do you think i’m catching the sleepiness too late?”
I would say yes, she is catching it too late.  He probably should have allready been swaddled and in his crib 10-15 minutes earlier.  Dr. Weissbluth says to put the baby down “before he becomes slightly crabby, seems irritable, pulls his hair, or bats at his ears.  Expect this type of behavior to develop within two hours of waking up if he is not put to sleep when he first shows signs of being tired.   Please do not mistake this 2 hour guide to mean that he should be up for two hours and then dowon for two hours.  Rather, two hours is the times interval during which you should expect him to sleep”.   Now, my babies have tended to be on a pretty good 2 hours awake/2 hours asleep schedule.  BUT- If she puts baby down and after 1 hour he is awake and crying, then start over.   Wait no longer than 2 hours before putting him down again.