Three Little Jewells

Archive for the category “Opinions”

21 Aug 2008

Who “wears the pants” in your family?

Jess at Making Home has written a fabulous post entitled

“When the person that “wears the pants” in the family is a size 2T”.

Here’s a few excerpts to encourage you to head over to her blog and read what she has to say:

What concerns me is that I see too many children raised in Christian families who are not taught and expected to obey. They are allowed to dishonor their parents with their yelling, tantrums, and emotional displays. They are allowed to intentionally and brazenly disobey their parents, without repercussions of any kind. They are encouraged in selfishness and materialism by parents who don’t set limits and stand by them. They are outright rude to siblings, guests and adults, and it goes uncorrected.

We have less children than any generation before us, and more parenting advice at our fingertips, and yet we parent them worse.


What does matter, biblically speaking, is that you train your child in the way he should go. What does matter, biblically speaking, is that you teach your child to obey you (his/her parents) in everything. What does matter, biblically speaking, is that foolishness is driven out from your child’s heart and is replaced with a fear of God and an understanding of what the Lord has done for us, and for this world.

Posted in Christianity, Daily Life, Interesting Stuff, Links, Opinions, Parenting | Leave a Comment
11 Aug 2008

Are We Pro-Children???

I recently came across this amazing article.   It’s written by a Catholic for a Catholic audience.   Every time she mentions “Catholic”, in  your mind subsitute “Christian”.   It’s just as true for Protestant Christians as it is for Catholics.   Enjoy.

Are We a Pro-Life People?

By Danielle Bean

Last week, Simcha Fisher invited us to talk about natural family planning, and boy did we comply. More than 90 comments later, one thing is clear — this is a topic we like to debate.

I’ve read many different discussions about NFP where Catholics will debate its use and its abuse, its effectiveness and its complications, its rewards and its challenges. There is a time, however, when all the debates and discussions must fall silent.

When a battle-weary mother stands alone in her bathroom looking with disbelief at two tiny pink lines on a pregnancy test, it’s too late for family-planning discussions of clinical effectiveness. We’ve got a baby to take care of. And his mother.

This is where all our pro-life and pro-family talk needs to be put into action. This is where we need to rush to the aid and support of a family in need. Are we a pro-life Church? This is where we will find out.

“I just found out that I am pregnant with my third baby in three years,” one frazzled young mother wrote to me recently, “and I dread the way my friends, my family, and even the people at my parish will respond.”

Shame on us.

“I am pregnant again and I really am excited,” another mother wrote to me, “I want this baby, but I am not sure I want to tell people because it seems like so many people, even faithful Catholics, just don’t get why you would be excited to have your fourth baby in five years.”

Shame on us.

“Soon after I announced that we were (unexpectedly) pregnant with our eighth child,” an older mom once wrote me, “I came out of Mass one day and found an NFP flyer tucked under the windshield wiper of my van. I even wondered if it was our pastor who put it there.”

Shame on us.

Whether we love NFP or hate it, whether we choose to use it in our marriages or not, whether we have one child or 16 children, we Catholics have no business receiving new life with anything but charity and joy. We have no business labeling our fellow Catholics, in their time of need and vulnerability, as crazy or irresponsible.

It takes courage for many Catholic couples to continue to refuse contraception, to remain open to life in their marriages, even when their circumstances are already difficult and they are hoping to avoid another pregnancy. The “99 percent effective” number people like to throw around about NFP becomes a much smaller one when translated into “user effectiveness.”

The fact is, sometimes even faithful Catholics who are doing their very best to avoid pregnancy while remaining faithful to Church teaching on openness to life will find themselves pregnant.

The jokes, the judgment, and the whispered conversations about “craziness” and “irresponsibility” have no place in our parishes and in our Catholic communities.

Over the years, I’ve done my fair share of staring in disbelief at tiny pink lines in the bathroom. Once, a few years ago, when I told a friend of a new and unplanned pregnancy and expressed to her my ambivalent feelings, her response to me was a simple, joyful exclamation:

“God must love you so much!”

Her words startled me. Not only because most people’s reactions to my latest news had been somewhat less than joyful, but also because of how true I knew those words were, deep down inside, in spite of my doubts and fears.

When God gives us babies, planned or unplanned, He gives us innumerable physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges. But He also gives us a glimpse of Himself. It’s God’s face we see in a helpless baby’s smile. It’s God’s voice we hear in their needy cries, and it’s God’s enormous love we feel wrapped around us when we nurture them within us, when we hold their infant bodies, when we accept them as He sends them, whether it was part of “our plan” or not.

Because she said “yes” to God, Mary once found herself poor, alone, misunderstood, and pregnant. But she wasn’t irresponsible — only faithful. Even though it was hard.

Will we abandon pregnant mothers in their time of need? Will we shame them, shun them, and laugh at them behind their backs?

Or will we remind them how much God loves them, remind ourselves of the abundant, undeserved blessings He has given every one of us, and simply be grateful?
Posted in Christianity, Interesting Stuff, Opinions, Parenting | Leave a Comment
31 Jul 2008

Contradictions…Confessions of an Anti-Soccer Mom

This post is a study in contradictions. I LOVE this short article: Confessions of an Anti-Soccer Mom

Seriously, it’s worth the few minutes it will take to read it.

It so perfectly sums up almost everything I think about enrolling your kids in activities, lessons, etc.

THAT SAID: My kids are taking swimming lessons this week! They were supposed to have private lessons next week to the tune of $45 each or $90 total. However. The swim teacher called and said there had been some huge scheduling mix up with the private lessons and the camp going on a week longer than expected. Translation: All private lessons have been canceled. I was pretty disappointed. Then she said there were a couple slots open in their group preschool class that had started on Monday night (this was Tuesday morning). We could still join those if we wanted to and since we had already missed one night and there had been the scheduling snafu, we could enroll both kids for $35. What a steal. It’s 7:15-7:45pm which I thought was going to be to late but has actually worked out okay- Kip gets home, we have dinner, clean it up, get the kids dressed and head out for lessons by 7:00 or 7:05. The pool is only 4 miles from our house so we can get there in about 5 minutes. We’re back home by 8 or so and have the kids in bed by 8:20 or 8:30. There’s no rushing about and we come home to a picked up kitchen.

Here’s some pictures:

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Posted in Daily Life, Links, Opinions, Pictures, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
18 Jun 2008

I Can’t Afford To Stay Home, Vol.3

Let Me Try This Again…

I think I hurt some feelings with this post so I want to elaborate a little on what I was trying to say.

Again, if you are working because you love to work and you can’t imagine not working and it’s what you and your husband have decided works best for your family then GREAT.


BUT, if you’re working and think you can’t afford to stay home but you would like to, then this post is for you. :)

I used to watch this tv show called Starting Over that certainly had it’s cheesy moments but I did learn something valuable that I still use today. One of the life coaches had a term she used “awfulizing”- when there’s a big decision to be made and we’re paralyzed by indecision because of fear of the unknown- you know- what might happen, etc. she would say to “awfulize” the situation. Go through all the worse case scenarios that could happen and come up with a plan for how you would handle it if it did actually arise. I do this often now, when I’m afraid of making a decision about something big- I awfulize it- play out in my mind all the scenarios that could happen and how I would handle them. And somehow, it makes it easer to decide once I’ve done that.

SO- If you’re afraid to stay home because you think you may not be able to afford it, think about this-

There are essentially four scenarios that could happen (that I can think of)

#1. You could continue working and realize that you love it and don’t want to be home with your children.

#2. You could decide to stay at home and realize that you really do love it and that somehow the money works itself out and everything is just fine.

#3. You could give up all kinds of things- your job, 2nd car, internet, cell phone, cable, etc. to stay at home and end up hating it.

#4. You could continue working and wish you could stay at home.

Now, scenarios #1 and #2 are obviously ideal so not worth talking about. Let’s awfulize #3 and #4.

#3. You could give up all kinds of things- your job, 2nd car, internet, cell phone, cable, etc. to stay at home and end up hating it.

Quit your job to stay at home- you could get another job if you decided you didn’t like being at home or couldn’t find a way to work out the money.

Give up your cell phone and get a track phone or have no phone- you could get another cell phone if you went back to work.

Sell your second car or trade down so that you don’t have a car payment- if you went back to work you could get a car again or trade up again for a nicer car.

Internet, cable tv, tivo- you could get all that back with a phone call and it would be reconnected in no time.

#4. You could continue working and wish you could stay at home.

See, here’s the problem. When you awfulize #3- you can get back everything you gave up if you want to. If you quit your job to stay at home even though you can’t really afford to do so- if you cancel cable, internet, cellphones, sell the car, live off Ramen Noodles- whatever- you can get it all back if you decide in hindsight that you’ve made a mistake.

But, if you take scenario #4, and you look back down the road and say you know- in hindsight, I should have made the leap to stay home, regardless of finances. You can’t get that time back. Your baby is gone. The time is gone and you can never get it back. There’s no do-overs.

I just peeked in the living room and do you know what I saw? my baby- my long, long awaited for baby who was just born yesterday??? She’s 4 1/2 on her way to being 5 years old. How did that happen?

I’m so glad not to have missed it- I want to be here when she skins her knees or has questions about God or says all the funny things that little kids do. I don’t want to miss those things because she’s at day care and I’m at work.

And I don’t want you to miss it either, if you really desire to be at home.

Please, hear my heart here- I am not coming from a place of condemnation- I really want to encourage those of you who want to stay home with your babies/children and think you can’t afford it- TRY IT! You’ll be surprised at all the ways you’ll save money by being at home and all the things that you really won’t miss much if you give them up.

Below are some some links about finances, staying home, frugal living:
The Benefits of Money Management
Mommy Savers
Mommy Savers Forum
Dollar Stretcher
Mom Advice
Frugal Village Forum
Hot Coupon World
Frugal Hacks A huge list of blogs that focus on frugal living
Frugal Homemaker
Money Saving Mom
Living On A Dime

NOTE: Now, I got a call after the last post on this topic from a friend who thought I was talking to her. Lest anyone think this post is directed at YOU, know that I know lots of working moms and I’m not speaking to anyone in particular. I wrote this post and the previous one because I hear working moms tell me all the time that they wish they could stay home but feel that they can’t afford it. And I really want to help them see that, with rare exception, you CAN afford it if you are willing to live on less. And ladies?? trust me- it’s so worth it. If given the choice between the higher standard of living I had when we both worked and going without to stay home with the children??? It’s no contest which is more rewarding. I’m so glad that I took a chance and quit even though we “couldn’t afford it”. Love to you all. kj

Posted in Links, Opinions, Staying At Home | Leave a Comment
10 Jun 2008

My Thoughts on “Where Do Feminists Come Up With This Stuff?”

My Thoughts on “Where Do Feminists Come Up With This Stuff?”

I’ve been sitting on the previous post for a month or more, trying to decide whether or not to post it, knowing that it was sure to offend at least one or two people I know IRL.   But then, I thought- #1- it’s my blog and #2- I’ve certainly read things on others blogs that offended me and I didn’t stop reading or work myself into a huff over their opinions.  So, I decided to go ahead and post it.

I’ve been thinking about why that blog post in particular struck such a chord with me.  I think it’s because of a recurring phrase I hear from working women and if I’ve heard one woman say it to me then I’ve heard 30 women say it-

I can’t afford to stay home.  It must be so nice that your husband makes such a good income- I’d love to stay home but my husband doesn’t make enough money.


Or some variation thereof.  Always the same theme- I’d love to stay home but we don’t make enough money.     You don’t really understand our financial situation because your husband must make more than mine does.

Before I even get started on that, I am SURE that this is true of some women.  If this is true for you then there’s no need to get worked up into a huff about what I’m about to say.

Here’s what I’ve seen or heard lately:

I can’t afford to stay home. Driving a new car, taking frequent weekend vacations.

I can’t afford to stay home. Thinking about selling their home and trading up for a bigger house, bigger yard.

I can’t afford to stay home. Lives about a 30 minute drive from town.  Drives in to town at least once a day, often two or three times a day because she “forgot” something, “needs” xyz today, etc.

I can’t afford to stay home. Spends a crazy amount of money in each week on groceries but won’t plan a menu or do once-a-week grocery shopping (both of which would probably save her several hundred dolllars a month) because it’s “not her style”.

I can’t afford to stay home. Her husband is a teacher.  They have two cars, internet, TIVO, cell phones, etc.  (they have one child)  All nice things but not  necessities.   I have another friend who’s husband is also a  teacher and she stays home with their four children.  It’s very tight, they go without lots of extras, but they make it work.   Her husband probably makes $2300 a month after taxes (guessing here, based on what I know about Guilford County Teacher pay) and they find a way for her to stay home with FOUR children.   Pretty impressive.

I guess it BUGS me to hear women say these things to me as if I’m living some sort of privileged life.  I go without LOTS of things so we can afford for me to be at home.   Here’s just a few of the things I often go without so I can stay home- I’ve included what I know about a couple of IRL friends who stay home as well:

I drive a 2001 van.  It’s seven years old.  I plan to drive it a looong time unless something happens.   Would I like a new car?  Sure, it’d be nice.   But you know what’s nicer- no car payment so I can afford to stay home.

My IRL friend has one car for their family which her husband drives to work most days.  If she needs the car that day she has to get up early, load all three kids in the car and drive him to work.  Most days she is without a car.   But she gets to stay home.

We rarely eat out other than Tuesday night pizza at Mario’s.

We do have cable but it’s only basic cable.  No extended cable, tivo, etc.   If we needed to, I’d get rid of cable and switch to a cheap Trac Fone  if it would ease the budget.  cIt might seem like a small thing but cutting out cable, expensive cell phone plans, etc. will really add up.

One of the things I miss about working days is an unlimited grocery budget.  I went to the store whenever I wanted to and bought whatever I wanted.   Menu planning and shopping once-a-week really has saved us thousands of dollars.   When I first started menu planning 4-5 years ago, we were spending $900-$1100 a month on groceries.  Within a few months of doing menus I had it down to $400 a month.   Even now, with grocery prices sky rocketing, we spend $700 a month- that includes diapers, formula, dog and cat food, all paper products and drug store items, OTC meds and food.   Plus, I’m feeding a family of 5 instead of 2 or 3.

I consolidate errands and only go into town twice a week.  Tuesday nights for pizza and usually one other day.  With gas prices going through the roof, there have been months where I only had enough cash set aside for 2 tanks of gas.  For a month.   This means I need to stay home most of the time.

I lived in our previous home for seven years before moving to our new home.  This was the house that my husband and his first wife lived in.   It never really felt like “my” home.  Kip had lived there for 20 years.  It was the house he picked out.    But I stayed because staying there meant we could put our money towards paying down debts and later, it meant I could stay home.

I have a very limited amount of spending money each week.   I rarely have new clothes.  We don’t take hardly any vacations or weekend get-aways.  I drive a very used car.  I stay home, literally, instead of going out as much as I’d like to.   I scrimp on our grocery money.  If I had to, I’d cancel cable, cancel my cell phone, sell my car, whatever it took to stay home.  The thing is- if you look at our finances on paper- we can’t afford for me to stay home. But we make it work because it is a priority above ALL other things- above vacations, cars, new clothes, spending money, restaurants.

I used to be a preschool teacher at Primrose.  I’ll never forget this one woman- the mother of one of the children in my class.  You know what she said to me?  “I know that it would probably be best for T. if I stayed home but we’ve just gotten used to a certain standard of living and I don’t want to go without.”. Wow.   11 years later I can still remember her saying that.

If you’re working because you WANT to work and  you love it and can’t imagine not working and it’s what you and your husband have decided it’s what works for YOUR family than that’s great.  More power to you.  I know some women who outright say so and for that I have a certain admiration.

But if you’re working and telling me you want to stay at home and can’t afford it- well, in most cases, I’m just annoyed.    Because you know what?  We can’t afford it either.

Posted in Links, Opinions, Staying At Home | Leave a Comment
09 Jun 2008

Where Do Feminists Come Up With This Stuff?

This will be sure to offend someone and for that I apologize.  I’ll be posting my thoughts on this post later on or tomorrow.

A guest post by the lovely Terry from Ornaments of Grace.  Terry always has something interesting to say- I love reading her blog even when I don’t agree but especially when I do!

Where Do Feminists Come Up With This Stuff?

Sometimes when I read the radical feminist perspective on the choice that many women make to leave the rat race, come home, and fully embrace being a wife and mother, I think, “Who are they studying, and how come I’ve never met any of these women?” The assumption that women stay home only because they have husbands who can afford to support them in style is the prevailing line of thought among this crowd. There is this misconception that women who stay home are married to men in high powered careers making six-figures and that this in itself puts women at risk because what man, having been in a prestigious, well paying, intelligent environment all day wants to come home to a woman who hasn’t even had a conversation with anyone over the age of six? In the minds of these women, there’s really no question of IF these marriages will collapse, only a matter of when. And when they do, the poor naïve wife who has given up everything to make a home for this man and his progeny will find herself poor, struggling, and alone.

When I ran across this little financial piece recently, it became clear to me that people who write these kinds of cost analyses have no idea how much a family gains when mom stays at home. They really don’t realize that for many, the decision is often made before they can even see how they’re going to manage the finances. Staying home and raising your own kids is about so much more than dollars and cents. It’s a matter of the heart and realizing that if we are to fulfill God’s plan to raise our children well, someone has to be available to do it. It requires sacrifice! When I came home 12 and a half years ago, my husband worked hard to provide. And while I will admit that he was pretty well employed for someone his age (he was 23), we were hardly living the high life! I’ve met women whose husbands worked long hours on blue collar jobs in order to support their families while their wives stay at home. I’ve run across missionary families doing the same thing. Not every stay at home mom is married to a high-powered executive. That may be what Linda Hirshman found when she did her notorious study, but it’s not every one’s reality. It’s not even most people’s reality. I believe she called these women “elite women”. I can think of many adjectives to describe myself: forgiven, opinionated, realistic, but elite? No! It costs us plenty for me to stay home and I’m sure that’s true for many of you as well.

Our lifestyle is far from elitist. I cut coupons, limit and plan my outings to maximize gas mileage, and make my menu each week based on which supermarkets are offering the best deals. I do my own hair, paint my own nails, and rarely make impromptu trips to Target (my favorite store!). I cook dinner every night. We eat out about once every three months, sometimes less. When there’s a book I’m interested in reading, my first stop is to the library, not the bookstore.

As our family has grown, we’ve had to make more sacrifices and examine our choices more closely, but in the process we have grown to realize how unnecessary most of the stuff we think is necessary really is. We have grown to appreciate the simple things a lot more. No burger tastes as good as the one cooked on our own grill, for a fraction of the cost. Walking around the neighborhood at dusk is far more relaxing than dodging the crowds while walking through a local mall as part of the materialistic rat race.

Now obviously I’m not totally deprived as I’m writing this on my personal laptop and will upload the post on Blogger via high speed internet access, which can hardly be considered a necessity. I’m simply saying that in our day to day living, we examine every purchase and make every effort to be good stewards. Life is far from glamorous in the Ornaments of Grace house, believe me. So when I hear or read these feminists saying that being a stay at home mom is a luxury for only the privileged few, I laugh. I accept that there are many people for whom this choice is not a realistic one to consider, but I also believe that if we are willing to downsize our lifestyles, re-examine what we consider necessities and make tough choices, the privileged few can become a substantial number of families.

The sad part of this whole debate is that we have raised a generation of women who believe that it is unwise at best and stupid at worst for a woman to decide to make such a major life choice for the sake of serving someone else. Since when did selflessness cease to be a virtue and become a naïve choice worthy of pity for those who choose it? Thankfully, as the lies of modern feminism are being revealed as the deception that they are, the tide seems to be turning. I hope it continues to do so. We still have a lot of work to do to rescue the next generation from the selfish and fruitless choices of the last one.

Posted in Links, Opinions, Staying At Home | Leave a Comment
15 Apr 2008

Am I Selfish?

Am I Selfish??

(Side Note to Sarah: I know you weren’t really calling *ME* selfish, but I thought it made a good title)

I’ve been pondering Sarah’s comment to THIS POST ENTITLED “NOTHING” and how to respond.  So here goes!

Sarah wrote: “Sure, investing in making our homes good is wonderful, but we can’t hole ourselves up in our houses and forget about the outside world. What about trying to do good in our community to make someone else’s life better? Her post sounds kind of selfish to me…“

As I’ve been thinking about this, these words from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 come to mind:

1 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—
2 A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
5 A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
6 A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

I read somewhere that our lives are spent in thirds.   We have our “early” years of childhood and young adulthood (birth through mid twenties), then our middle adulthood (mid twenties-60 years old?) and then our old age (60 years old and up).

I spent my “early” years of highschool, college and post-college doing lots of things for my community- I volunteered at the hospital, corresponded with several elderly people in nursing homes, worked as volunteer for the National Conference for Community and Justice teaching classes on tolerance, and took two “little” sisters from Big Brothers/Big Sisters from 7th grade through high school graduation.   I also did plenty of volunteer work through whatever church I was attending at the time and worked as both a preschool and a middle school teacher- which is in and of itself, plenty of giving back to the community!

As I look forward to my old age, I envision myself doing some kind of  Titus 2 (versus 3-5) work with younger women.  I’m not sure in what capacity that will be but I’m open to whatever opportunities will arise.

But right now?  In my “middle adulthood” phase of life with three young children to raise, I’m not so sure “out in the community” is where I need to be.  I’ve seen the effects of no training and poor discipline on children- by the time these kids reach middle school they are just wild.  They’ve never been taught to operate within set boundaries, to put aside their own “wants” to accommodate anothers “needs”, to practice self-discipline now for the long-term good.   And now that I’ve been out of teaching for several years, I’ve seen these kids as adults.  One was killed in a drug related altercation.  Another young man, who had SO much potential, is sitting in jail for assaulting a homeless man.   Some have been arrested for robbery.  Others are just drifting- not in school, working low wage jobs sporadically.  They’re not doing anything productive with their time or energy and it’s sad.   They have the potential to be so much more but lack the self-discipline to get there.

So what’s my solution to this?
So I’m focusing my energy on raising productive adults (I’m raising adults, not children, right??!!!) who will not be a drain on society.   And the best way that I know to do this, is RIGHT HERE.   And so for our family, that means keeping our kids with us and training them into Godly behavior.

I’ve “got” the children for so little time- the majority of their training in discipline, obedience and attitude will be done by 5.   We’ll have another 13 or so years to do some additional training where improvements need to be made and to train them in practical living skills.   But after that?  Although they’ll always be “my babies” they’ll be adults with minds and lives of their own.   I’ve just got a little while to get it right and if I don’t, there’s no going back.  No do-overs.

And the thing is, when children “go bad” it affects so many more people then just their own self or their own family.   Here’s a personal example- my sister was married to a no-good loser.  He had NO concept of boundaries or self-discipline and it affected EVERYONE.   Putting the abuse aside, we all suffered seeing my sister and nephew neglected-  (just *one* example- not enough money for food or diapers while a new boat sits in the driveway).   Because he never learned to put others above himself or develop the self-discipline to work when he didn’t feel like it and to spend money on  needs and not wants, his wife suffered, his child suffered, his parents suffered (he was constantly “borrowing” money), his inlaws suffered (watching their daughter go without because her husband refused to work consistently).    It was awful. He eventually became a drug user, an alcoholic and declared bankruptcy.   He was, and is, nothing but a drain on society and anyone who comes in contact with him.

I’m not saying that I can guarantee that my kids will not disappoint us and become no-good losers like my former brother-in-law and some of my former students.  But I do think I’ve got a much greater chance of having them turn out to be decent, productive members of society by focusing the majority of my time and effort into the raising, training, disciplining, mentoring and fellowshipping with my OWN children.

It doesn’t mean that I never spend any time doing for others over the next 20 or so years.  But it does mean that I first consider these questions before committing to any activity outside the home:

FIVE Questions to contemplate when considering activities outside the home:

1. What are my reasons for considering this opportunity?  Are they selfish or God-honoring?

2. Will pursuing this venture glorify God and honor the gospel?

As long as it passes the above two questions, I quickly move on to #3.

3. Is this an undertaking that will help my husband?

If yes, great.  If it’s no, then sometimes that’s okay too.  As long as it’s not hindering him in any manner I’m okay with it.
5. Will it enhance and enrich the lives of my family?

5. Does this endeavor hinder my role as caretaker of my home?

But then we come to #4 and #5.  It’s because of these that I’ve dropped out of most extra activities in the past few  years.   Because to often the answer to #4 was no and to #5 was yes. If it means I have less time to train, mentor, disciple and discipline the children then I’m not interested.  If it means that the house is not cleaned, meals not ready, laundry not done, etc. because I’m busy with some other volunteer activity, “ministry”, etc. then it’s not where I’m supposed to be.  Period.

But you know what?  It hasn’t always been this way (see the paragraph on my early adulthood) and it won’t always be this way.   Before I know it, the children will be grown and gone and I’ll be facing another 30 or 40 years of just Kip and I.  The house will be exponentially easier to keep clean and there be a lot less laundry and distractions.  The training will be done.  What will I do then?   THAT’s when I’ll have time to pour into my community and church, volunteering to help others, etc.

Don’t mistake me- there are things I do now to help others.  I take a meal or two to a mom with a new baby or an elderly neighbor.  I talk with young moms who approach me wanting to know how to organize their homes or plan menus.   I occasionally invite a former elderly neighbor to join our family for lunch or dinner just because she might be lonely.  I’ve helped my sister with her son now that she is a single mom.  I support my husband taking my nephew to boyscouts because I believe he needs a positive male role model in his life (and this does require sacrifice on my part).  These are the things I can do now to help others that don’t infringe on my current family requirements.

But make no mistake about it, they don’t interfere with questions #4 or #5 and if they did, I’d drop them in a second.   At this point in my life, activities that I choose to engage in MUST NOT involve excessive amounts of time out of the home or away from my children.

As the writer of Ecclesiastes said “There is an appointed time for everything”.  This is not my appointed time to be “giving back to the community” in the traditional sense that most people think of when using that phrase.  There IS a time for that- part of it has passed for me and part of it is still to come- but it’s not right now.

Sarah- still friends??   You got this whole long-winded response to your comment.  You didn’t know what you were getting into when you first suggested this blogging thing to me a year ago, did you?   Another Happy Birthday to you- hope you are having a fun day.  ;)

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12 Apr 2008

Bits and Pieces

Only in the South

So- On Friday I took the kids to the doctor because Mary was sick.  More on that later.  Anyhoo- we were done at the doctors around 10am and it was gorgeous- sunny, blue skies, 70′s….  So I decided to take the kids to Bicentennial Gardens to walk around for a while.

There was this little old lady there- maybe in her early 70′s??  She had on her coordinated sweat suit and her tightly curled permed hair.   She was pushing a baby stroller- similar to the one we have for Savannah.   In it she had her little dog.  Some kind of fluffly little thing, just sitting in the stroller, taking a walk through the park.  But the BEST part was that she has a beautiful, dainty, floral, china tea cup full of water on the tray of the stroller for the dog to drink from- ohmyword it was my amusement for the week!

ok- so it just occurred to me that maybe the title is offensive.  I hope not- just really- the china floral teacup- I can’t imagine seeing this anywhere else.

This is NOT funny…

I know- I shouldn’t laugh.  Really, and  I call myself a cat lover?

THIS story about a cat named AND BITS (as in Kibbles And Bits) just hit my funny spot for some reason.  I mean I know it’s not funny, really, it’s not.     But just the name, And Bits, is amusing.

Poor Mary… And Savvy too….

MY girl woke up crying around 12:30am on Friday morning and then again at 3:30 am saying her ear hurt.  We all know what that means.  I got her an appointment with the pediatrician Friday morning and they said she had a *nasty* ear infection and that her eardrum had already ruptured!    I felt so bad for her!  There were NO indications on Thursday that she was in any way sick, not feeling well, her ear was bothering her- nothing.   The odd thing is that most kids get ear infections when they are babies and grow out of them about the time they hit their first birthday.  Mary never had ear infections, not one.   Suddenly, since January, she’s had three, all in her right ear.   I find this to be very odd.

Savvy has been sick since last week.  JODY was visiting her Mom in Salisbury so we met at Cracker Barrel on exit 91 for dinner on Sunday night.  I took Savvy with me because she is delicious and I can’t bear to leave her and because Jody hadn’t seen her yet.    You know how Cracker Barrel has a smoking section?  I find this to be so irritating- as Jody said, it’s kind of like having a peeing section in a pool.  Grrrrr….    Savvy was her normal, cheerful, happy self when we got there and by the time we left she was sick.   My first thought was that she was tired but as I was driving home and thinking about it I came to the conclusion that I think she’s allergic to the cigarette smoke.   I thought she would surely be better by Monday morning once the smoke was cleared out of her system.  No- she’s been sick ALL week.  My sister is a respiratory therapist and she said that if Savvy is allergic to cigarette smoke and if she’s inherited my asthma (Mom and Sarah have it too) that the smoke would create an inflammatory response in her respiratory system that could then turn into a cold or even bronchtitus.  Poor Savvy- I feel so bad!  Sarah has bronchtitus twice this year from cigarette smoke.  So now I’m thinking- hmm- Savvy’s allergic to oatmeal, she’s got some kind of pollen allergies and now probably cigarette smoke.   I spoke with the pediatrician about it on Friday while we were there and the doctor agreed with me- it appears that she may have some allergy problems and I need to be especially careful about delaying any peanuts or seafood.    ugh. poor baby.

OTHER GOOD STUFF

I love this very short post entitled NOTHING

LESS IS MORE is so well said-

Planned Parenthood Craziness

Posted in Daily Life, Links, Opinions, Staying At Home, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
04 Apr 2008

Finding Your Purpose As A Mom- Part I continued

Finding  Your Purpose As A Mom- Part I continued

Part I: It Begins With You, continued.

“Charles Parkhurst put it this way:   “Home interprets heaven.  Home is heaven for beginners.”

“To get a clear vision for what your home can be, then, consider what the Bible says about what Christ’s future millennial kingdom and heaven are like.”

“One of the first things we learn…is that it’s a place of beauty.” -Here she goes on to talk about doing what we can to beautify our homes through decoration, candles, flowers, music, etc.

“And even more important, a home that gives a foretaste of heaven is a home that is emotionally safe, where each person’s dignity and feelings are protected.

“What else do we know about heaven that can serve as a model for our earthly homes? ….”

I’m paraphrasing the following-
1. A gathering place
2. Relationships
3. An orderly place “Behind all the beauty and celebration is a serene but energetic sense of order, a comforting sense that everything is as it should be…”
4. A place of truth
5. A welcoming, hospitable place “where guests are treated like family and family are treated like special guests…There is always a little something set aside for visitors- a snack in the freezer, some space in a closet, an extra place at the table.  The house is kept reasonably clean and ready, and the heart is kept open enough to welcome company even if the house isn’t completely clean.”
6. A place where God is present and God rules “worship and praise are primary activities.”

“For even though my  home will not last forever, the souls who live here and visit here certainly will.”

“HELP!” “If you say yes to the Lord’s calling to make your home holy ground, he will provide you with an adequate support system to make it happen…not likely to arrive in the form of a maid standing on your doorstep…”

“Even Mary, as far as we know, didn’t have specific daily instructions from an angel as she went about shaping the home where her Son was going to grow.   Instead, she had to plan.”


“Looking for help…is key.  God truly does provide, but he also expects us to participate.  He wants us to actively involved in what he is doing in our lives. It’s up to use to ask for help, to keep our eyes peeled for the Lord’s provision….God provided scriptural guidance…but we have to actually read Scripture, figure out how it might be speaking to our lives, and then obey.”

“God expects us to participate in our own help, and that means we sometimes have to dig deep.”

“If you seek it, you will find a branch of the Lord’s family that offers you support…Even more specifically, within Christ’s family you will find your most important sources of help: mentors and sisters.”

“Ask the Lord to open your eyes to possible mentors and sisters.”

“And though your husband is meant to be your partner, your lover, and your leader, he is ill-equipped to be your sole source of support in running your household.  Yes, you can support each other mutually.  But unless you rely on other sources- your Bible, the Holy Spirit, your mentors, your sisters- you risk pulling your husband down instead of mutually supporting him.”

“I truly believe that part of your responsibility as the shaper of your home is to take advantage of the help God makes available in whatever form it might take.”

“But in our culture, I fear a “support group” has come to mean a “sympathy group,” a place where people with similar problems go to air their frustrations.   And while that may have its place, that’s really not the kind of support you need for shaping a godly home.  By support I don’t just mean sympathy or finding someone who understands what your are going through.  Instead, the kind of support I mean is a relationship that strengthens you in the Lord and encourages you to do do what he wants you to do.”
LOVE, love, love the above quote.  I think this is SO true!

“You can be sure of two things:  First, you are called to be faithful and content in your present role.   Second, God has something wonderful in store for you, and he wants you to live in joyful anticipation of that future.”

“No matter where you are, you can be confident that God put you there.”


“Your home is holy ground, and so are you.  You are blessed among women, and God has a plan for you and for your home.”

Posted in Daily Life, Opinions, Staying At Home | Leave a Comment
19 Mar 2008

Let the Dads Be Dads

This is from a November 2005 blog article.  THIS IS NOT MY WORK.   I’m not sure where it came from but thought it was to excellent not to share.

Nov. 17, 2005 – Let the Dads be Dads……

If you let the Dads be Dads I have found we have more freedom to be Moms. It really is a shame that society today says that Dads really have to act more like Moms. We (referring to Americans in general not necessarily the population here at HSB) spend all their lives trying to feminize our boys (sit still, read this book, don’t wrestle during school, here have some Ritalin) that we are shocked when our men don’t stand up to injustices in the world. We wonder where the leaders went. How come nobody bats an eye when the little old lady gets her purse yanked from her by a thug on the street. Why does a mayor of a major city have the option of saying “I just got caught in the moment.” When he is called on a making flat out lies on national television? How come men in government, business and families don’t know how to say “Here, it is me. The buck stops here. I take FULL responsibility!” Could it be because we were so busy making our boys act like girls that they are not sure about the hows, whats and whys of making that type of commitment?

Then we marry them off and tell them to be kind to the children, don’t raise your voice to the children, don’t spank the children, don’t rough house with the children…..be a MOM! Be a soft hearted, rocking in a chair, snuggly, soft spoken type person. In this day if you are a man and you are not acting like a mom there are all manner of persons (the well paid and not so well paid) that are willing to tell you that you are on the short road to ruining your children. Doncha know a harsh word is worth $2000 in therapy at age 20? An injury while rough housing is worth at least $4000. I hope you are saving for these eventualities if you think you are going to raise your kids “the way your dad raised you”.

I used to be one of those Moms that wanted my husband to act like a Mom. What Mom wouldn’t? It is what I am comfortable with. After all I know my kids, I know what they need. I’m with them all day, they are used to the way I interact with them. Shouldn’t my dh bend his personality to accommodate me and the kids and what we are comfortable with? I mean really, what does he know of the kids’ fragile temperaments? He is not around and how could he be qualified? So I would follow him around, trying to pick up the pieces with statements like “Oh, she does not understand when you say it that way……say this…..” or “Jeffrey, you are coming across as too harsh.” Or later in private I would set him straight “Don’t you think you over reacted/played too hard/didn’t give ___enough attention?” I wanted to dictate every interaction with HIS children!! What a power trip I was on! What a horrible way to rip down my dh and make him less than eager to even try spending time with the kids!

One day my darling, wonderful, forever patient (yes sometimes sharp tongued) husband said “Can I just be the Dad here?” to which I brilliantly replied “huh?” “Can I be the Dad? Can I be a little harsher than you? Can I be a disciplinarian? Can I talk to the kids without you jumping to conclusions?” And I had a light bulb moment!! I did not grow up with a father. I had no idea that what he was doing was typical Dad stuff. But apparently Jeff thought it was. And here he was just begging me to let him be himself!! What kind of pressure must I have put him under his first few years of fatherhood. I stepped back and imagined myself trying to live up to trying to be Jeff. Just as I expected Dad to interact in the same way I did, would I have been happy being forced to be just like him? I think the pressure would have caused me to not even try. I just could not have done it. After a moment of thinking I said “yes, you are right. You go be the Dad. I won’t correct you anymore.” So for better or worse I set him free in the house. He never abused the kids. No that was never the issue. These were small things I now realize. After I let lose the reigns on my husband I saw him step up to the plate. He was free to do as he pleased. It hurt my tongue and I think I still have scars there to show for that first year when I was getting used to have a Dad in the house. But it was oh so worth it. Jeff has blossomed in how he communicates and interacts with the kids. And because I had nothing to do with it, I never nagged or corrected or pretended I could do it better, I can give all the glory to God for working through my dh to bring forth a man that is a FABULOUS father to his plethora of children. No really, you can’t imagine!!

Several weeks after my conversation with Jeff, when I was right in the thick of trying to butt out of his realm, I did something very nice for the kids. I don’t remember what it was but it was completely undeserved, a big treat for absolutely no reason. I remember Jeff questioning me. He did not understand why I went through the trouble to give the kids something that they had not really earned and probably would not appreciate like it should be. I was feeling highly discouraged because I ENJOY doing acts of service and gift giving for my kids (and dh too). I am quick to forget that so-n-so pinched his brother today so he does not need desert. What I remember is “Oh this desert is so yummy I want to bless everyone (including my neighbor and his brother in Toledo) with a huge helping of this delicious desert.” So Jeff started in on me. And I started second guessing myself. It seemed so natural for me to want to do nice things for the kids. How could I stop that? Why were we disagreeing about this and what could be done about it? Then it struck me, he wanted me to act like a Dad. He so loved his position as judge and keeper of the peace and meter of punishments (because that is what good Dads do in his mind) that he wanted me to be excited about that part of child rearing too. I was being asked to be something I am not. I had started to tear up out of frustration. Then I had my revelation. With shaky voice and moist eyes, almost pleading I said “Can I be the Mom? This is what Moms like to do. Will you let me be the Mom? I promised to let you be the Dad.” Then I saw the light go on over his head. All the confusion melted away and we defined just a little more clearly our roles here in this crazy family. Jeff wrapped his arms around me and said “Yes, yes of course you can be the mom. Give them all two pieces of cake if you like!”

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