Three Little Jewells

If you let the Dads be Dads I have found we have more freedom to be Moms. It really is a shame that society today says that Dads really have to act more like Moms. We (referring to Americans in general not necessarily the population here at HSB) spend all their lives trying to feminize our boys (sit still, read this book, don’t wrestle during school, here have some Ritalin) that we are shocked when our men don’t stand up to injustices in the world. We wonder where the leaders went. How come nobody bats an eye when the little old lady gets her purse yanked from her by a thug on the street. Why does a mayor of a major city have the option of saying “I just got caught in the moment.” When he is called on a making flat out lies on national television? How come men in government, business and families don’t know how to say “Here, it is me. The buck stops here. I take FULL responsibility!” Could it be because we were so busy making our boys act like girls that they are not sure about the hows, whats and whys of making that type of commitment?

Then we marry them off and tell them to be kind to the children, don’t raise your voice to the children, don’t spank the children, don’t rough house with the children…..be a MOM! Be a soft hearted, rocking in a chair, snuggly, soft spoken type person. In this day if you are a man and you are not acting like a mom there are all manner of persons (the well paid and not so well paid) that are willing to tell you that you are on the short road to ruining your children. Doncha know a harsh word is worth $2000 in therapy at age 20? An injury while rough housing is worth at least $4000. I hope you are saving for these eventualities if you think you are going to raise your kids “the way your dad raised you”.

I used to be one of those Moms that wanted my husband to act like a Mom. What Mom wouldn’t? It is what I am comfortable with. After all I know my kids, I know what they need. I’m with them all day, they are used to the way I interact with them. Shouldn’t my dh bend his personality to accommodate me and the kids and what we are comfortable with? I mean really, what does he know of the kids’ fragile temperaments? He is not around and how could he be qualified? So I would follow him around, trying to pick up the pieces with statements like “Oh, she does not understand when you say it that way……say this…..” or “Jeffrey, you are coming across as too harsh.” Or later in private I would set him straight “Don’t you think you over reacted/played too hard/didn’t give ___enough attention?” I wanted to dictate every interaction with HIS children!! What a power trip I was on! What a horrible way to rip down my dh and make him less than eager to even try spending time with the kids!

One day my darling, wonderful, forever patient (yes sometimes sharp tongued) husband said “Can I just be the Dad here?” to which I brilliantly replied “huh?” “Can I be the Dad? Can I be a little harsher than you? Can I be a disciplinarian? Can I talk to the kids without you jumping to conclusions?” And I had a light bulb moment!! I did not grow up with a father. I had no idea that what he was doing was typical Dad stuff. But apparently Jeff thought it was. And here he was just begging me to let him be himself!! What kind of pressure must I have put him under his first few years of fatherhood. I stepped back and imagined myself trying to live up to trying to be Jeff. Just as I expected Dad to interact in the same way I did, would I have been happy being forced to be just like him? I think the pressure would have caused me to not even try. I just could not have done it. After a moment of thinking I said “yes, you are right. You go be the Dad. I won’t correct you anymore.” So for better or worse I set him free in the house. He never abused the kids. No that was never the issue. These were small things I now realize. After I let lose the reigns on my husband I saw him step up to the plate. He was free to do as he pleased. It hurt my tongue and I think I still have scars there to show for that first year when I was getting used to have a Dad in the house. But it was oh so worth it. Jeff has blossomed in how he communicates and interacts with the kids. And because I had nothing to do with it, I never nagged or corrected or pretended I could do it better, I can give all the glory to God for working through my dh to bring forth a man that is a FABULOUS father to his plethora of children. No really, you can’t imagine!!